Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Social Anxiety

I have social anxiety. 
Social anxiety...it's something that you can't understand unless you have it. 
Everyday things that most don't even think about are a total struggle for me. I'll do my best to explain...
Ordering food at a restaurant (rehearsing what you're going to say over and over-not knowing how to pronounce what you really want so you just get the same order as your friend, "what will you have?" "same as her"), talking on the phone, counting your money a million times before paying, walking down the road or hall, meeting new people, going to a new restaurant, theater or friends house, asking for help...
It's basically feeling like everyone is judging you. Like no matter where you are or how many people are around, the spot light, no microscope is on you,
When you hear someone laugh, it's about you. Whispering? About you. When you leave the room they're talking about you. Feeling like people only notice your flaws.
And when people joke with you, you feel there's a grain of truth in what they say. That they actually think you are weird, twitchy, to tall or whatever...
One comment can and will tear you apart. I still remember every detail of the day when I was about 13, one of my brothers friends said I looked like a boy...
You relive moments from earlier that day to years ago, beating yourself up about it. Dwelling on it to the point of depression and sleep deprivation...why'd I make that joke, no one wanted to hear me...I'm so stupid. 
Your heart pounds ten minutes after you introduced yourself (simply saying your name) in a social setting.
When people say you're attractive you think they're lying just so they can make fun of you.
You develop security blankets such as, not wanting to take off your jacket to holding onto something while talking.
You live your life wondering who really cares and who's waiting for you to fail.
You're living your life in fear. Waiting to mess up. You're not good enough and nothing you do will change that. A constant war in your mind. You'll never be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough...
And the best part? You know how stupid it is...which makes your anxiety even worse.
I'm lucky. I don't have a severe case. I don't get panic attacks. I do however get anxiety attacks. My form of anxiety attack include, fast talking, stuttering and stumbling over words. I'l tremble, my heart will race, blood pressure rise and I'll feel suffocated....but again, my case isn't severe...
I don't know what's worse, people who say get over it or people who claim to have it (when they don't).
So....I don't feel like I did the best job explaining it....oh well...
I've spent all my life feeling and thinking these things...I was actually excited that there wasn't something wrong with me (haha, if that makes sense)...
Head over to Pinterest and search social anxiety. There are so many fun, funny and informative pins.
If you have social anxiety, I'm here for you. If you don't and want to try to understand more please feel free to ask me anything,
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2 comments:

  1. I don't know if I had very mild social anxiety, or if I'm just extremely shy, but I had a lot of anxiety attacks in college, and social events have always been super stressful for me. In any case, I (at least somewhat) understand what you're dealing with. And it's not fun!

    Serena | poetree

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    1. It's so nice when you find people who get it....my sister also has it so we deal with it together...my brothers don't have it and don't understand.

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