If only I was smarter. If only I was prettier. If only I was talented. If only I went to college. If only I had more money. If only, if only, if only...these are things that have weighed very heavy on my heart and mind these past few weeks (hello, New Years)...
I seemed to be plagued with if onlys lately.
Digging myself deeper into depression as I dwell on them. If only I was lucky, if only I didn't take this path...if only I forced myself into the medical profession- a job I have no desire to do-at least then I'd be someone.
Someone interesting, someone with money, someone with a career, some one who because of that degree has to be smart and fascinating...Someone worthy while...
I've never had a lot of confidence in myself, I've always struggled with how I perceive myself and those darn if onlys are not helping!
...Something I've learned (the hard way) in my 25-little to (at times) no friends, crappy jobs, feeling ugly, no college -years is no one, and I mean no one, will ever fulfill that void.
They may put a band-aid over it and it may last a while, but eventually you will find yourself back in the whoa as me, if only pit.
So whats a girl to do?
After spending my entire life trying to find out who or what I needed, I discovered something...I know you're going to hate to hear this, but it's all on you.
You have to decide that as a child of God you are important. That you are worthwhile, you are loved, you are pretty. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
No more if onlys, the past is in the past.
To quote the great Rafiki, "Oh, yes, the past can hurt but the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it".
I can't change my what ifs or if onlys, but I can start trusting God 100% with my life. No more half hearted only parts of my life trust.. All of it!
He is in control. He has a plan for me.
I just have to do my part, trust in Him, pray and have faith...being a good and faithful servant. So from now on, whenever I get filled with if onlys I won't dwell,
I'm going to pray and either take action if it's something I can change or image God hugging me and telling me He loves me for me, not for what I have done, but just for being me...
I can't control tomorrow, but I can control what I do today. And today, I choose peace and unending love...