Saturday, July 19, 2014

God didn't give up on me

I've never felt so close to God than I do now. I wake up trusting Him and go to bed praising Him.
I know He has a plan for me. And when my life hits a rough spot, He will be there to guide me through. I've also never been so happy and content.
But it hasn't always been that way...

Trusting God 100% with my life has been a struggle.
What ifs plagued my thoughts as I tried to control everything. Society had me doubting what I felt God created me to be. 
Does God have a plan for me? Does He care for me?

I'm not enough-smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, strong enough, good enough.

It's been a battle, an inner turmoil, that has haunted me most of my life. 
I compared myself to others; celebrities, strangers, friends and family. Pointing out why they are amazing, what makes them special and beautiful. All the while only pointing out my flaws and why I'm not important. 
I've questioned God, doubted God, yelled at God, ignored God and (as much as I hate to admit it, and beg His forgiveness) hated God for the things He's allowed to happen in my life.
There was a point in my life I thought, "whatever," and totally ignored God (I never once doubted the existence of God, I just didn't care about Him or trust Him.)
"If He doesn't care about me, why should I care about Him."...(boy do I feel so foolish now). 
I'm not going to go into great details of what was going on in my life-it's private and involves others personal stories.

I will say this, God didn't give up on me.
I tried my best to hate Him and ignore Him, but He got through.

I love reading, both fiction and nonfiction, one day my mom brought me a book. I forget the title, but I remember who it was by, Max Lucado. I started reading it, and much to my chagrin, I couldn't put it down, but I still tried not to take it to heart.

God didn't give up on me.

About the same time, while driving with my Mom and/or Dad; I'd have my iPod on, trying to drown out the dumb pastor they were listening to...Slowly, I'd catch myself turning down my music, listening to the Pastor talk (Pastor Greg Laurie, if you must know)...When I realized what I was doing, I tried to fight it (I was apparently a stubborn, stupid teenager), turning my music back up. More and more, anytime we went somewhere, my ear buds would go in, but my iPod would stay off.

God didn't give up on me.

I discovered Christian radio one day, and try as I might to listen to anything else, that was the station I wanted to listen to.

God didn't give up on me.

You know how some people say, "When you read that bible verse (or played that song), it's as if it was directed at me. A light bulb went off and I cried and prayed. Everything changed that day, I have such a great relationship with God now...blah, blah, blah..."
It's wasn't like that for me. There wasn't a pivotal moment, sentence or bible quote that struck me and made me realize God's unending love for me.
I realized slowly over time how much God cares and loves me...

I, stubbornly, prayed . I don't remember what was said, but I'm sure it was sarcastic, and not really heart felt.
Perusing the library one day, I found myself fascinated by Christian living books at the library, checking out eight and reading them all within two weeks (and then going back and getting more, and more, not being able to quench the thirst I had to God).
I caught myself just talking to God, not praying (there was no bow your head or amens). While doing chores or taking my shower, I'd just talk to God. Expressing my anger, frustration, and disappointment (kind of in Him, but mostly myself)...

At one point, I reached a stage where I was embarrassed about my past Christian faith, and wanted to pull an Adam and Eve and hide...I became ashamed of my past actions towards God and had the urge to stop pursuing Him because I felt as if I let Him down.

Looking back, even though I ignored God, deep down I still didn't want to let Him down. I didn't go off and rebel (I didn't want to sin). I just stopped pursuing God.

I'm not the Godly Woman I want to be (the woman I know I can be);
I don't know bible verses off the top of my head, I couldn't share my faith with others (I'd have no clue what to say). As much as I hate to admit it, I still have doubts pop into my head at times (not about Gods love for me, but about myself as a Christian-am I good enough? Am I pleasing God?). I don't have to many deeply devoted Christian friends and I still don't have a Church.

I know it'll take time- years of constant pursuing and work to have the relationship I want to have with God. Satan doesn't want me to have a relationship with God, so he's going to do everything he can to keep me from Him.
I listen to Greg Laurie all the time, I study the bible daily (well, I won't lie, I try to read it daily), I talk to God everyday, even after years of practice I'm still trying to get use to praying (it just feels unnatural for me-but Satan will not win, I will pray!), I read other Christian blogs, I read Christian living books, I read Christian fictions (it seems strange, but those do inspire me to live a Godly life. They give me an example of a Christian household/wife. Helping me drown out all the Hollywood versions of family's.) And, of course, I listen to Christan music.

God is a wonderful friend and companion. And He is worth every battle I face. I know now that with each storm, there is a rainbow after- a purpose for what happened.

As I have become more devoted to God. Trusting God. Loving God. Fearing God. Addicted to God. All those doubts and hates I had about myself have disappeared....
Am I good enough use to be about getting others all I care about is God's approval. God doesn't care if my nose is a little large, I don't have a six pack, my voice is a little deep, my thighs touch, I don't wear makeup, I have a little muffin top, that I didn't go to college, that I want to be a stay at home mom. He created me and loves me as I am. And only cares about the Godly Woman I can become- He knows I can do better.

I don't know where you are in your journey with God.  Just know this, God loves you and God won't give up on you.
God didn't give up on me, and I never want to give up on Him again.
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